


the humphrey venn diagram

by ivermectin



Series: d&b @ nyu! [2]
Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blair being Super Extra, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humour, POV Blair Waldorf, S3 AU, Scheming, again: they're not together yet, continues where the last one left off, minor references to blair/chuck, much like canon though the friendship IS the build-up to the romance, past Dan/Serena
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28773177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivermectin/pseuds/ivermectin
Summary: Blair Waldorf knowsonething. She is not going to letDan Humphreymake a better venn diagram than her.
Relationships: Dan Humphrey/Blair Waldorf, Nate Archibald & Blair Waldorf, Serena van der Woodsen & Blair Waldorf
Series: d&b @ nyu! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106012
Comments: 14
Kudos: 41





	the humphrey venn diagram

**Author's Note:**

> this is a continuation of the last fic in this series. it _should_ make sense even if you read this one first, though ~~but then you're missing the rooftop brawl!~~
> 
> i've read a lot of fic in which blair & serena become friends at school when they're really young (which makes a LOT of sense) but there was a special charm to the idea of them becoming friends at some posh, WASPy event, so that's what i wrote for them.

Blair takes her task of making the Humphrey venn diagram very seriously. She dwells on it for a week – a week spent actually being friends with Dan, sitting next to him in common classes and walking with him to the library. They spend their mandatory foundation classes (“ _These are horrifically uninteresting! Besides, I already know all of this, Humphrey_ ”) flipping through magazines Blair hides under her desk, doing personality quizzes and bitching about it under their breath.

Blair thinks, _this will be a breeze_. She actually enjoys Dan’s company; she just needs to have a good diagram to show for it. Not too nice, can’t have him thinking that she actually _likes_ him. But not too cold either, because spending time with him is pleasant, and she would like to keep him around. So she sits down at her desk, gets to work.

PROS:

loyal

good sense of humour

easy to talk to

patient, thoughtful, understanding

cares about serena

well-read & intelligent

has good taste in films

mixes nice pink drinks

had things been different we’d be at yale together

is fun to spend time with

CONS:

is dan humphrey

She bites her lip, shakes her head, strikes that out, tries again.

CONS

owns a freaky cabbage patch doll (named cedric)

little sister is more fashionable than him

talks too much

obsessed with being subaltern

can be really annoying!

his best friend wants to kill me :-(

Blair looks at the list, but it feels like it reveals too much. She hasn’t felt like this about anyone ever since the first time she met Serena, back when they were both seven, at some formal party. Serena had spilled something on her white dress – soup, Blair thinks – and Lily had reprimanded her, pointed Blair out and said, _look how prim that little girl is Serena, why can’t you stay tidy like her?_

Blair, however, had been compelled by the wildness in Serena’s expression, the way her smile felt like a promise. She’d wanted to be friends with that blonde girl so badly; the girl who didn’t care that it was improper to take your shoes off and kick them under the table, and who filled her pockets with appetizers from the food table and ran off to the servant stairs to eat them, all childish misbehaviour and innocent charm.

Serena was good-natured, easy to befriend. Blair had sat next to her on the steps, and Serena had given her a squashed croissant, and Blair had gotten crumbs on her dress and gotten into trouble later, but while she was sitting there next to Serena, she was sure it was the best moment of her life.

For some reason, she really wants to be friends with Dan. She rips the paper out, because it feels like too much of a plea, too desperate and personal and pathetically lonely, and sticks it into her socio textbook instead.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time – sitting on the floor of her dorm room with Dan while he ordered gourmet pizza on the phone, and then the two of them choosing one of those art films to watch that had been on both of their lists. They’d bantered all through the film, and they’d both been able to make each other laugh, and he’d looked so _soft,_ sitting there next to her.

For the first time at college, she hadn’t felt lonely. And she’d thought: if I have _one friend_ , I can make it through this, and she’d watched Dan smile at the screen and thought, _I’m going to keep you._

So the venn diagram feels like a rite of passage, especially since she’d been the one to demand it. Dan had asked her if she had a deadline, and she’d graciously told him that one couldn’t rush perfection, and two weeks would be enough time. Dan had nodded, told her seriously that it gave him enough time to do his research, at which Blair had pretended to be offended, but had been secretly grateful for, because it gave her time, too.

Blair Waldorf knows _one_ thing. She is not going to let _Dan Humphrey_ make a better venn diagram than her.

Therefore, her first attempt, all messy and honest feelings, is too much. She tries again, but this time, decides that it _has_ to be impersonal. For this she’ll need a new strategy, but after pondering over it for a while, it finally hits her.

What better way to ensure that her diagram is impersonal than to ensure that she’s tapping into feelings commonly held by people who know Dan Humphrey?

She begins a new diagram, only keeping the cabbage patch doll on the list. Then, confident in this approach, she calls Serena.

Serena is Dan’s ex-girlfriend. Serena knows Dan things that nobody else knows. Blair isn’t sure whether the perception of an ex-girlfriend is valuable here, or will just skew what she’s going for. She thinks over what Serena’s said about Dan, thinks of what Serena knows about Dan that Blair can use for her diagram.

It’s worth a shot.

“Hey, S,” Blair says, the moment Serena picks up. “I need your help.”

“Everything okay?” Serena asks.

Blair says a quick affirmation, and then delves right into the topic. “I know you said this before, but I need a refresher,” she says. “Is Humphrey good in bed?”

Serena makes a startled noise. “Wait, are you talking about – Dan?”

Blair’s about to respond with, _obviously_ , but she remembers that other Humphreys (such as Jenny) exist, and that it’s not obvious at all. So she says, “Yes, that is correct.”

“Hold on,” Serena says, sceptical. “You want to know how good _Dan_ is in bed? I know college is a time for experimentation, but… you and Dan?”

“Bleurgh, eww, gross, _no!_ ” Blair makes a face, puts a hand on her forehead, wonders why she thought this was a good idea. “I am simply making a list of pros and cons. I am _very_ satisfied with Chuck!”

“Then why do you want to know how Dan is in bed, and why are you asking me?” Serena asks, evenly.

“I’m asking you because I’m presuming you’re an expert on all things Dan Humphrey related,” Blair says, answering that one first. “And I need to know because I’m trying to list out the pros and cons of being friends with him.”

“Do you evaluate all your friends by this metric?” Serena asks. “How good they are in bed?” But she’s giggling as she says it – Blair can visualise her face, that slightly-confused-slightly-bemused expression she gets sometimes, when she thinks Blair’s being ridiculous but tries to be a tactful and supportive friend anyway.

 _My only friends are you, Nate and Chuck, so maybe it’s a requirement,_ Blair considers saying, but she remembers the hurt that’d flashed on Serena’s face when Blair had called her a slut. She’d said it to hurt, but once it was said it couldn’t be unsaid. If there’s even a small chance that Serena’ll take this that way, Blair isn’t going to say it.

She needs all the allies she can get.

So, Blair says instead, “I need pros, Serena! I need to have things to put on this list! Reasons to be friends with Dan Humphrey! Right now the cons outweigh the pros.”

“What’ve you got so far?” Serena asks.

“The cons are Cedric,” Blair says. “His cabbage patch doll.”

“Blair, don’t you have a cabbage patch doll too?” Serena points out diplomatically.

“Yes, but mine isn’t named _Cedric_ ,” Blair says, appalled. She adds, “He keeps it amongst a stack of books! It’s truly barbaric.”

“He _is_ good in bed,” Serena says, and she sounds thoughtful. Distractedly, she says, “Maybe I should ask him if he’s down for a threesome with me and Carter.”

“Urgh, have you never spoken to Nate about this?” Blair puts her head in her hands. “The third person should _always_ be a stranger. Besides – would Humphrey even…”

“Go for Carter?” Serena asks. “I don’t know. But it doesn’t really matter. He can just close his eyes and pretend that Carter’s a girl. Or something.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Blair says. “Hanging up now!”

She hears Serena giggle as she cuts the call.

She frowns, thinking, and then realises something she should’ve realised before – she can call Nate. Right before she does, however, she shoots Dan a text, saying, “Quick qn, no judgement. would you have sex with Carter Baizen? Yes/No.”

His response is immediate. “isn’t he super sleazy??”

Blair bites her lip, considering. “That isn’t a no, Humphrey,” she sends back.

“My official answer is: depends on who’s asking,” Dan’s response says.

“If Carter’s asking?” Blair replies.

“Are you Carter?” his response says.

She ghosts him, because she can.

Bi-curious men are the worst, Blair thinks. Then, she calls Nate.

“Hi,” Nate says, when he picks up. She can hear the smile in his voice. “What’s up?”

“You’re friends with Humphrey,” Blair says, getting straight to the point this time.

“Which one?” Nate asks.

Blair wonders if Serena and Nate are doing this on purpose.

“Are you being deliberately insolent? I’m talking about Dan,” she tells him. “Though, of course, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re best friends with Jenny and Rufus.”

“Yes, I’m friends with Dan,” Nate says. “Are you scheming against him? Because in that case, I might have to give him a heads-up.”

“No, I’m not,” Blair says. “I’m scheming about him.”

She thinks that sounds smart, but Nate’s silent confusion is practically audible.

“I am involved in a scheme, with good intentions,” she says. “I’m trying to befriend Dan Humphrey.”

“That’s the scheme?” Nate sounds bemused, like on the verge of laughter but is too incredulous to laugh. “Blair, most people don’t consider making friends as particularly scheme-worthy.”

“I am Blair Waldorf!” Blair reminds him. “I’m not _most people,_ Nate.”

“So, you want to befriend Dan, and you called me,” Nate says. “What do you need my help for? Are we trying to make you more likeable?”

“You’re lucky I like your stupid face, Archibald,” Blair says. “No, I need you to tell me what you like about Dan.”

“Uh, he’s nice?”

“Brilliant,” Blair murmurs. “If I wanted vagueness of this level, I’d just look at his horoscope.”

“He’s a Taurus,” Nate says. Blair gets the feeling that he’s amused. She wishes that she could use Chuck’s help on this, but knows that he’ll be of even less use than Serena or Nate.

“Well, thanks, I guess,” Blair says.

She gets back to the dorm, goes through Gossip Girl blasts in the hope that it’ll inspire something.

She puts 'lonely' in the cons, and 'byronic' in the pros. After staring at the mostly-blank venn diagram a little longer, she grudgingly adds ‘is good at the crossword’ in pros, and for good measure, adds 'taurus' in cons.

She stares at the blank venn diagram a little longer. This isn’t going to work – she needs something else, something better, something that’ll give her an edge. Serena wasn’t particularly helpful, and neither was Nate. It strikes her after a minute. The real ace in the hole would be if she could somehow get _Vanessa_ on board.

She calls Nate, who sounds bemused when he picks up.

“I need a favour,” she tells him. “Remember your ex-girlfriend?”

“Which one?” Nate asks mischievously.

Blair exhales through her nose, loudly.

It’s going to be a long day.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, hope you liked!  
> more coming soon!!
> 
> also: nothing against taureans (?? tauruses?) - i'm a taurus moon myself, and some of my best friends are taureans :o)


End file.
